Below are some of my notes on cheshbon hanefesh from shiurim I have heard by Rav Berkovits shilta. I found the shiurim very inspiring and practical and thought it may be worthwhile sharing. I hope you find this beneficial. (I apologise for any inaccuracies that may have crept in, and also for the brevity for some points.)
How to go about doing a cheshbon hanefesh - some guidelines:
1. Recognise how special you are (chelek Elokai mimal) - if you don't think so it’s your yeitza hora telling you that;
Olam Chesed Yibaneh – Find Hashem and build a connection with Him
Hashem is the creator of world who is active in every single aspect of it.
י-ה-ו-ה
Hashem is with us even after sin
Teshuva = You didn’t do that action.
Take a Second Chance and start from scratch.
Beg Hashem to help you work to get these negative traits and sins out of your system.
אל
Strength and Mercy of Hashem
We enjoy the sin, it feels good and we can’t break away
Even after we can have a second chance. We are not sure we are ready for it. Give us the strength to pass the test and do Teshuva – we’re not ready yet to do it alone. We have no energy for Teshuva, we can’t rebuild.
We need You to give us the strength to do Teshuva. We know it is a Chutzpa to ask, but we need You to give us the means to pay You with.
רחום
When we aren’t even asking for Hashem for help
We don’t want to do Teshuva in some areas
See our suffering and make us want to do Teshuva.
Supply us with Everything!
וחנון
Hashem gives gifts for Free
Inspire us and Open our eyes
We don’t even know where we are going wrong.
Open our eyes and show us where we are going wrong.
ארך אפים
We know we are doing things wrong but we aren’t ready just yet to change
We don’t deserve all the chances You have given us because of this
We want to be ready but we need You to wait.
Please, give us another chance even when we don’t want to change the things we are doing wrong yet.
ורב חסד
We aren’t listening to Your messages
Life is struggle, that’s how we grow but we are just letting life pass us by
We are missing out on chances You are giving us.
We are worthy of Nothing – we are like dead!
Give us a new life and let us Live!
ואמת
We have no zchus left at all and even Rachamim won’t help us
You promised that our Teshuva would work and we will live to serve you
And because You are Emes, when You said it (in Your infinite kindness)
You committed Yourself to it.
נצר חסד לאלפים
Zchus Avos
Remember my fathers.
I have no zchus but help me in their merit!
נשא עון ופשע
We knew we were listening to the yetzer hara
We were conscious of our wrongdoing
Please erase even those occasions when we purposely went against you
וחטאה
We recognized you and weren’t careful in our actions
ונקה
(לא ינקה)
Wipe our slate clean COMPLETELY
Let us always reachYou and have another chance through our Teshuva
There will be times when we will continue to mess up but don’t forsake us
Never take the gift of Teshuva away from us!
Give us the chance of giving You Pleasure. You gave us these 13 Midos as a free gift to bring us close to YOU, that’s what we want most of all: to live in Your house where You are King
Rosh Hashana, the time where Hashem calls upon us to communally do Teshuva! This Rosh Hashana we can all do complete Teshuva!! But how do we do complete Teshuva??
There are three steps to complete Teshuva;
1. Confession
2. Regret
3. Resolution to change
Yom Kippur seems to have two contradictory natures to it. On the one hand there are five afflictions prescribed on Yom Kippur, but on the other hand the gemarra calls it one of the two happiest days in the year, and some Rishonim learn that there is a mitzvah of simchas ha’chag even on Yom Kippur. How can one balance simcha and affliction? The idea seems to be that both the simcha and the affliction stem from the same point here. As the gemarra says, the simcha of Yom Kippur is due to the fact that it is the day when we cleanse ourselves of sin, as well as the fact that this is the day we received the second luchos. Likewise, the five afflictions are aimed at removing ourselves from the contaminating distractions of the physical world (distractions which take us away from our real selves) and allow us to focus on the spiritual nature of the day - thus facilitating our Teshuva. So, the simcha and the affliction are not contradictory at all - on the contrary, they stem from the same point; atonement and purity.
Where are you heading?
Rav Shalom Schwadron used to say over the following idea in the name of his father-in-law, Rav Chaim Leib Auerbach (father of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach). He asked why it is that at kol nidrei/ma’ariv at the start of Yom Kippur, when we are most full of food and least into the purity of the day, we say the baruch shem kevod malchuso…of the Shema out loud in resemblance of the angels - whilst at the ma’ariv immediately after Yom Kippur is out, when we have been through 5 tefillos and have thoroughly woven the purity of the day into our characters and made solid commitments to better ourselves, we stop being like angels and thus say baruch shem… quietly? Shouldn’t it be the other way round? He answered that at the start of Yom Kippur our thoughts, aims, and attentions are directed towards the awe of the day and to sincere Teshuva, whilst at the very end - ma’ariv on motzei Yom Kippur - we are looking towards the food we shall be breaking our fasts on. Thus, even though at the start of Yom Kippur we have not yet become part of the day’s kedusha, since this kedusha is our mental focal point and destination, we are like angels. Whilst, since at the end of Yom Kippur our direction is towards food and material thoughts, we loss that angelic level and thus return to whispering the baruch shem… The message here is that one is defined by where they are heading and where their goals and perspective lies.
Saw this idea in \'Torah thought for a day\' - Shemos. (recommended!!) Moshe is told to remove his shoes as he will be walking on holy ground. It is known that in the times when the Bais Hamikdash was present, the kohanim had to remove their shoes. There are two reasons for this, the first behing that man must remove that \'barrier\' between himself and G-d so that he can connect directly to the Almighty and feel His holiness. Other sources, such as the Kli Yakar explain that the removal of one\'s shoes is a metaphor; in the presence of holiness one must try and remove all of his connections to wordly pleasures. Which leads to another reason why leather shoes aren\'t worn on Yom Kippur - we have to remove that barrier and be completly subservient to Hashem...
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